on making a mess

“What was needed was what happened.” Rama Mani

We're messy, we human beings. Some contain the messiness better than others and keep it concealed behind an ordered facade. They colour their lives between the lines. Others scribble furiously across the edges and into the corners. But no one is neat and tidy within; no one is spared the human condition. We all have personal demons: fears, insecurities, dilemmas, projections, misunderstandings, challenges and shadows. We all make mistakes, and stumble, sometimes we even fall facedown.

Today that's me: laying flat, staring at my hands, wondering what I've tripped upon. What part of me has escaped its cage and now roams about, wild and free? What bit of my life have I clumsily dropped and scattered across the floor?

Please don't misunderstand: everything is ok. I'm hauling myself up onto my feet, dusting myself off, taking another step. My people have got my back. And life carries on. Moment by moment, it continues to unfold, curious and confounding.

I'm reminded of Rama Mani, an artist-activist who works in countries where conflict and violence have ripped up the social fabric. I met Rama once and I'll never forget her take on pain and suffering: “what was needed was what happened.” I think she meant that we don't always understand the full picture. The world is vast and complex, and following the contours of a story that has yet to end. When our inner messiness seeps out onto the lives around us, it may seem like we've erred or even failed in some way. But little do we know how we may be contributing lines to the story, little do we know what impact we may be having for the greater good.

At the last Mad Studies meetup, I met a woman who suggested that the binary approach to good and bad is unhelpful, an illusion. I like this. I prefer to think of good and bad as ingredients in a soup. We swallow them both with every mouthful, and they are each nourishing in their own ways. Our messy insides are beautiful just as they are, and when they spill out into our lives we needn't regret or fear anything. It all leads to learning, every little bit of it. What is needed is what happens.

Photo by John Cameron on Unsplash: a wall of scribbles at the Tate Modern, London during the Please Draw Freely exhibition, July 2021