sightseeing

I recently requested copies of my psychiatric records. It really wasn’t that difficult to do: a letter to my GP practice handed in and then three weeks later, a fat envelope full of printed pages to collect. I haven’t yet read them, because I don’t currently have the emotional bandwidth to attend to them fully.

I wonder what feelings they will evoke. Anger, I suspect. Sadness. Frustration. My understanding of what happened to me has changed over the years. Or rather, my understanding of how the world might have responded to my experiences. I have learned so much via Mad Studies and the mad movement, that I will bring a very different perspective to the memories that these records evoke.

I’ve got a fair bit of distance from that crucial period of my life. I’ve been functioning well within Consensual Reality for over nine years now and have felt very grounded and really very well and happy, altogether. So I don’t feel particularly raw, where these notes are concerned. I have internal scars – but the scars are evidence of healing that has progressed beyond fresh wounds and recent scabs.

A few months ago I travelled to Amsterdam with a friend, where I revisited the Mentrum Psychiatric Clinic. This time I just dropped by to see the building from the outside! In particular I wanted to see again the beautiful art installation on its roof: How to Meet an Angel.

My friend was concerned that the visit would trigger me with bad memories, but it didn’t. On the contrary, it didn’t bother me at all and I felt as though I were simply sightseeing.

However: I’m not convinced that I’ll be able to read all the notes about me with the same level of detachment. I expect the pages to reveal observations made about me, conclusions drawn about me, judgments passed upon me and treatments devised for me. All during a period of intense vulnerability and relative powerlessness. Will I be triggered by delving into this? We’ll see…